I have been on hiatus for that last months of January and February. I haven’t felt inspired to write, because I was going through an emotionally challenging time. Perhaps, nearly an all time low during my last year (of the tour).
The following is a review of the past events, after I returned to Costa Rica and after I arrived to Panama. Following the photos digresses a bit about why I have not been all too happy.
And after Paul left, I didn’t take anymore pictures, for a while.
At this point, my outlook on life was grim. My finances look like they were dwindling and my love relationship had ended. How did this all happen? I was looking forward to the new year.
I spent many days resting, for the lack of sleep due to stress that taxed all my energy. And then I fell into a period of loss of sleep /appetite/desire to do anything. “Here I am, in Panama, 14 months later, after I began my tour.” ..and what was next? I couldn’t conclude. I really felt lost and vulnerable.
Now, I don’t want to over dramatize this. It was a tough time, and I retracted from communication to look within myself to solve. I recapitulated on what when wrong and what was right. I also has to reassess the goal of my tour. What did I envisioned for in the beginning? How did it change? Sometimes I was proud of how much I convinced myself that I was going to move on successfully.
The low swings of my emotions would come back hitting hard. “should I call it quits and go home? And if so, where would home be?” Many questions were rolling in my head. I questioned the persistent attitude of “I am still going to finish the tour..” I couldn’t help but doubt about how irrational I had became.
Yet, I felt terrible of the thought to not continue cycling to see what changes in the land were ahead. And I dreamed of South America for so long and have been excited over the new places I learned about. I knew I didn’t want to abandon the tour.
I knew my life wasn’t a disaster, and these challenges are solvable. So, now with my time, not figuring out how to manage a love relationship, I had time to think about how I could take care of me. This time was most intense to go into a deep reflection of myself. A few times I had to quiet the voice inside that said, “I hit rock bottom. I crashed and burned.” It could be easy to fall into this trap, but I refused to let it be. I took a quiet time, away from e-mails, and just meditated on the road ahead, resolving to persevere.
So, what is a woman to do?
‘Til the next post, and yes, there will be a next post.